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Unluckiest fuzoku customer in Japan can’t get no satisfaction

Spa! July 24-31
Spa! July 24-31
When it comes to patronizing sex shops, 38-year-old salaryman Hiroshi Koiwa (a pseudonym) may have the worst luck of any man in Japan. His unbroken string of disasters stretches back two decades, to the time he popped his cherry at age 18.

“The day after my graduation, I went to a herusu (erotic massage parlor) to celebrate,” he tells Spa! (July 24-31). “The girl they gave me was a tub of lard weighing at least 100 kilograms.”

He once exchanged telephone numbers with a masseuse who he hoped would become his “sex friend.” Instead she gave him a dose of gonorrhea and afterwards began stalking him.

“Another time, right in the middle of the act, the woman’s period began, and I was drenched in menstrual blood,” he relates. “After I gave another woman a rim job my tonsils got badly infected. Another time the woman I had was covered with tattoos, including the name of the yakuza gang she belonged to. Lots of those hookers are addicted to stimulants and their bodies give off a really awful smell.”

Even when friends recommend establishments where honban (the “real thing,” i.e., intercourse) is on the menu, Koiwa unfailingly meets with some kind of disaster.

“At this place in north Kanto I visited last year, as soon as our ‘play’ began the girl put a condom on and straddled me. But she never spoke so much as one word, which I thought was really weird. And another thing, I could see the scars from her bust enhancement surgery. It felt so strange fondling her breasts and it dawned on me that ‘she’ was formerly a man who’d undergone a sex change operation.

“‘Hey, are you a guy?’ I asked, and she replied in this husky, masculine voice, ‘Chigaimasu‘ (No I’m not). On my way out, I thought I’d complain to the manager, but he preempted me, saying, ‘How was it? Wouldn’t you agree that we offer the kind of play you can’t get anywhere else?’

“I guess he was certainly right about that, so I left, feeling a kind of perverse satisfaction.”

Despite his dismal batting average, Koiwa continues his visits sex shops, hoping that someday he’ll break his jinx and score big. (K.S.)

Source: “Fuzoku dai-hazure taiken jigokuhen,” Spa! (July 24-31, page 127)