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Japan as number 1

Shukan Asahi Geino June 19
Shukan Asahi Geino June 19

Takeru Kobayashi, Nagano Prefecture’s champion “food fighter,” has failed in this year’s attempt to replicate his previous victories at the 4th of July Coney Island hot-dog eating championship.

According to the Associated Press and other wire reports, the diminutive (128-pound) Japanese, known as “The Tsunami” for his six consecutive victories, finished second in overtime to 210-pound reigning champ Joey Chestnut of California.

Wareware Nipponjin, however, should not despair: our national honor has been upheld in another championship competition.

Shukan Asahi Geino (June 19) reports that Japan’s Masanobu Sato emerged as the hands-down winner in the 7th Masturbate-A-Thon, held in San Francisco on May 25.

The magazine reports some 50 spectators paid $40 for admittance to watch 70 male and 20 female contestants, seated or lying on mattresses at the venue arena, go at it. Proceeds from the event went to charity.

Mr. Sato, who came armed with a synthetic vagina from his employer, Tenga Co., succeeded in sustaining his self-abusive action for an amazing 9 hours, 33 minutes — a duration, Shukan Asahi Geino reminds its readers, equivalent to the flying time between Narita and Los Angeles.

“It was more difficult to keep going after I was the last remaining contestant,” Sato is quoted as saying. “The others had departed, and the maintenance workers had already started cleaning up. And there I was, all by myself, still pumping away.

“Finally the organizer says to me, ‘Well we can see you’re the winner, so it’s time to call it quits.'”

The article noted Sato’s right arm is considerably more developed than his left.

Two contests, separated by gender, rated wankers according to sustained duration and number of orgasms. The winner of the male orgasm competition topped off at six; the female winner achieved 49 big ones.

In the duration competition the female winner, described as a “28-year-old Hispanic beauty,” sustained her self-abuse for seven hours — a new world record.

In a further boost to national prestige a second Japanese, whose name was not mentioned in the story, finished 2nd behind Sato and was named recipient of the contest’s “Traveled the Longest Distance to Toss” award.

Source: “Dainana-kai onanii senshuken” no yushosha wa Nihonjin datta!” Shukan Asahi Geino (June 19, 2008, pages 198-199)