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Bargain-basement hymens from Hangchow bleed on demand

Shukan Post Nov. 6
Shukan Post Nov. 6
The ingredients, read the label on the wrapper, include “non-allergenic natural albumin, a medicated inflation agent, water-soluble base and sodium carboxymethyl.”

Er, miss — are you sure sticking one of these in your vagina seems like a good idea?

Because the above, reports Shukan Post (Nov. 6), is what synthetic hymens imported from China are made from.

Under the name jinko shojomaku, these sham cherries are being imported by individual entrepreneurs and marketed on the Web for around 2,300 yen a pop.

The manufacturer claims that upon insertion, the body temperature causes one to expand across the opening of the whatchamacallit — you know, where babies come out.

As a follow-up to the insertion of a throbbing male organ and the inevitable sound effects, who knows what dialog might actually ensue.

He: “Wow, the bed sheet’s red! Wazzat — blood!?”

She (blushing coyly): “Well, actually this was the first time for me. . .”

And naturally they lived happily ever after.

According to a Web site selling these spurious goodies, it was a Kyoto-based scientist, referred to only as “Dr. K,” who developed the world’s first manually insertable synthetic hymen in 1993.

Initially the product was said to have enjoyed popularity at several home economics institutions located on the coast of the Inland Sea.

Shukan Post, being generally suspicious of practically anything manufactured in China, has no problem getting a source to warn of the potential risks of indulging in a devious defloration.

“It might be dangerous if inserted into the human body,” warn reps from not one but two organizations, one the Japan Blood Products Association and the other the Japan Food Additives Association. It seems that at least two of the above-mentioned ingredients are worded too vaguely to make clear their actual chemical composition.

“About 95 percent of the vibrators sold here are made in China,” remarks Masaaki Tanaka, president of Curious, a pioneer in the retailing of adult sex aids. “I’m not surprised to hear than anything’s being made in China. But synthetic hymens?

“Since not many Japanese men demand the girls they have sex with be virgins, I wouldn’t venture to guess how many they can sell here.” (K.S.)

Source: “Jinko shojomaku, 2,300-en de shoya giso,” Shukan Post (Nov. 6, page 135)