Look ma, no hands: Japanese cyber wanker makes debut

There was a young man from Racine,

Who invented a f***ing machine.

Concave or convex,

It would fit either sex

And was perfectly easy to clean.

Thanks to the wonders of modern electronics, self-abuse has truly come a long way.

Weekly Playboy (July 6) reports an outfit named SunWorld Inc. has developed what might be described as the ultimate masturbation machine. This amazing device, sold as an ensemble called SOMCON, requires neither physical exertion nor imagination on the part of the practitioner, as both are provided. Read more

Japan’s Sato pulls off second straight win in world wank-a-thon

Let’s give Masanobu Sato a big hand, folks. For the second straight year Japan’s most accomplished wanker tugged his way to a record-setting victory in the 9th World Masturbate-a-Thon in San Francisco.

Nikkan Gendai (May 14) reports that on May 2, the 27-year-old Sato was able to beat off some 50 other opponents, keeping his obelisk at the perpendicular for a mind-boggling 9 hours and 58 minutes — thereby surpassing his own previous world record by 25 minutes.

Sato did not employ his palm but made use of the latest adult sex aid from his employer, Tenga Co. — which competition rules permit — known as the Eggu. Read more

Doting half-siblings keep it all in the family

“My father recently remarried. His new spouse had two children from her previous marriage, so I have found myself with an elder and younger brother,” writes the anonymous contributor in the March issue of Ai no Taiken Special Deluxe published by Takeshobo.

“Both of them are real hunks,” she adds. “Definitely my type.”

This excerpt appears in the 50th anniversary special edition of Shukan Bunshun (Mar. 19).

The writer goes on to express her delight in the new members of the family, feeling such warm affection for her new half-siblings, particularly the senior of the two, that she incestuously cuddles up in bed beside as they sleep together. Read more

Rouge romantics wrapping on restraints below the beltway

What sorts of devices have been selling well at the local adult toy shop these days? Would you believe chastity belts? For men?

Give Nikkan Gendai (March 5) the credit for coming up with this doozy.

“The users seem to be single women who are extremely possessive,” says “pink” industry journalist Yukio Murakami, explaining why lower decker pecker checkers have come into vogue all of a sudden.

“They can’t stop fretting that their lovers will cheat on them. So they make them wear chastity belts made with metal or plastic tubes that slip over the entire length of the glans, and can be fixed with a lock and key. It’s got an aperture at the tip to permit urination.” Read more

Even solo sex can kill you, medics warn

Last June, Shukan Asahi Geino (June 19) reported from the 7th Masturbate-A-Thon in San Francisco, where Japan’s Masanobu Sato, armed with a synthetic vagina from his employer, Tenga Co., emerged as the hands-down winner. Sato was accorded top honors after stroking his member for a record-breaking 9 hours, 33 minutes.

But in its issue of September 25, the magazine seems to be having second thoughts about masturbation, competitive or otherwise. Now it seems to be saying wanking won’t just make you go blind; it can even kill you outright.

Masahiko Ueno, former chief medical examiner for the Tokyo metropolitan government and author of “Shitai ga Kataru” (The Corpse Speaks) and other books, tells Asagei that in the course of his career he encountered numerous cases of males who expired during the act of masturbation. Read more

Japan as number 1

Takeru Kobayashi, Nagano Prefecture’s champion “food fighter,” has failed in this year’s attempt to replicate his previous victories at the 4th of July Coney Island hot-dog eating championship.

According to the Associated Press and other wire reports, the diminutive (128-pound) Japanese, known as “The Tsunami” for his six consecutive victories, finished second in overtime to 210-pound reigning champ Joey Chestnut of California (AP).

Wareware Nipponjin, however, should not despair: our national honor has been upheld in another championship competition.

Shukan Asahi Geino (June 19) reports that Japan’s Masanobu Sato emerged as the hands-down winner in the 7th Masturbate-A-Thon, held in San Francisco on May 25. Read more